#0031 - #0040 One Thousand Gifts

#0031 - When I call My Hub's name and he replies, "yeah, Babe" ... still
♥
xoxo

#0042 - the rhythmic sound of her chest raising and falling as she sleeps ...

#0033 - ... her soft little hands intertwined with mine

#0034 - my oldest daughter praising our Lord as she sings in the shower

#0035 - same daughter coming to me and asking me to explain a
Bible verse to her
LOVE that!

#0036 - eavesdropping as my BabyGirl sings 'n dances around the house (in her own lil' world!) ... the giggle and expression on her face when she catches me LOL

#0037 - hitting every green light you approach in traffic all day long
(come on! you know you love it too! ^.^)

#0038 - learning to listen to That Still Small Voice

#0039 - watching The Hubs spent one on one time with our girls

#0040 - the fun of doing something spontaneous
(peak-a-boo pink hair flare!)

Lord, free me up ...

I have to admit, getting back into the habit of blogging has been a challenge for me! Although I previously blogged consistently for over four years, I've been on a two year hiatus. The words just don't FLOW as easily as they once did ... and I refuse to believe it has anything to do with being two years older! REFUSE! *giggle* I'm only averaging 1 or 2 entries a week but I think that's plenty for now, wouldn't you agree? I wouldn't want anyone to grow sick of me too soon. ;o)

That being said, I've always consider myself to be an honest blogger. Aside from the occasional vent session *blush*, no, this blog will not be used to bash folks who have wronged me, as numerous as they are. (Opps, there I go! :x) Neither will I use it to air my dirty laundry or divulge my deepest darkest secrets. We must all maintain our mystery, right? *wink* But I will be REAL. And if history repeats itself, at times, raw.

If you're like me, you're not drawn to blogs that are all peaches, sunshine, 'n unicorns all the time. Although, I want to laugh and share in my fellow blogger's celebrations, I also want to be informed. More importantly, I also want them to share their heart with me. Even if that means revealing something somewhat personal.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, can I be honest with you? Are you ready for another confession?

I've spent a good hunk of my life praying a selfish prayer. As someone who's had her share of health issues over the years, I've been praying for healing ... but for all the wrong reasons.

I'd always been strong, both physically and mentally. However, several months after I turned 18, things began to change. Unresolved childhood issues and trauma combine with brand new overwhelming challenges (that I was ill-prepared for) allowed me to fall head first into a deep pit of depression and a struggle with bulimia. Although this time was actually the best time of my life thus far, what was happening behind close doors was destroying me from the inside out. Luckily, despite what I was living, I was strong enough to reach out for help. Sadly, I placed my trust in the hands of the wrong mental health professionals. By the time they were finished with me, my bout with "the blues" turned into a fight for my life. If you take anything away from this entry, let it be my plea not to blindly trust anyone who has a diploma on their wall. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find yourself a trustworthy Christian therapist or clergymen ... someone who truly wants to see you heal, as opposed to someone who benefits from keeping you sick.

Fortunately, this period of my life only lasted a few years. Not to sugar-coat those years at all ... things were bad. It was nothing short of God's hand that rescued me. In my mid-twenties, my husband and I started a family. Aside from one horrendous case of hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness) and swollen feet that made it difficult to even wear flip-flops, I had a good pregnancy. However, shortly after my beautiful daughter entered this world, I was hit with postpardum depression. Not the kind that you hear about in the news. No, I bonded wonderfully with my baby girl. *sigh* My problem was with myself and everyone else. But with Christian counseling and medication, I recovered well. However, several months after the birth of my second daughter, things grew very dark once again. Arguably darker. The fact that my relationship with my parents was crumbling didn't help me one bit. Once again, I reached out for help, received it, and healed. Words cannot convey how grateful I am, that through all of this, my relationship with my babies didn't suffer.

Not long after my second daughter was born, I received a diagnoses to help explain the physical pain I had endued for years. I had fibromyalgia. Chronic migraines would soon followed. At one point, I had a migraine every to every other day for three long excruciating years before pin pointing and discontinuing the cause. I've lived (and at time, suffered with) both ever since. Most recently, I have been plagued with bouts of vertigo. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. (I think I've revealed enough of my medical history ... LOL)

Most of my twenties, I lived a fairly isolated life because of my illnesses. I cried out to God more times than I can count, sometimes with fists shaking. Why wouldn't He heal me? Why??? Hadn't I suffered enough????

Cut to this past year, when my spiritual life began to shift. I was hit with the realization that I was praying for all the wrong reasons. I argued I did nothing to deserve this hand I had been dealt. I wanted God to heal me for my comfort. I wanted Him to relive my pain so I could live a better life.

Me, me, me, me, me. Me. It was all about me.

My prayer now is that, on those days I am under a flare or a migraine is splitting my head in two, He would give me the strength to withstand the pain. I pray that I might conduct myself gracefully, in a way that honors Him, despite my circumstances ... and mercy when I don't. And I pray my health conditions might place me in the path of individuals I might not otherwise come in contact with if I were perfectly healthy and that all this, all of this, may bring honor and glory to Him who is most deserving.

Most recently through prayer, I have requested that He might "free me up". What frustrates me most is not the discomfort my medical issues bring me, but the fact that I feel like they are holding me back. I want to be freed up. Freed up so I can serve Him better ... freed up to reach out to the lost and the broken ... freed up to offer hope and encouragement.

Years ago, I remember reading an article on Rev. Billy Graham. When asked what he hopes to hear after he takes his last breath on this earth and his first in eternal life, he reply, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

That is now my prayer. That I might lead a life that merits the honor of hearing such a compliment. Well done, my love, thy "good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ (Matthew 25:23)

But how might I do that best with my given limitations? Such has been on my heart and mind constantly over the past year. My life can be so unpredictable and not in a positive way. Although my spiritual gifts reveal that I am 100% a Giver, followed by merciful, I am not simply content with throwing money at various causes. (Not IN NO WAY to diminish the donation of funds to reputable organizations. The need is overwhelming. It's important. And I encourage you to do so any time you're able.) So how can God use me where I'm at? This has been my journey over the past year and particularity over the past several months. Although I may not be a candidate nor have felt called to overseas mission fields, doesn't God call ALL of us believers into ministry? (Matthew 28:19-20) Service in our communities, workplaces, neighborhood, etc. are equally as important.

I am thrilled to say God has revealed several different ways for me to serve. Some of them aren't anything I would've come up with on my own. But all, I'm sure, will inspire many blog entries to come. :D

______________________________

Just let me be Your hands ...
(only You can save)
Let me be Your eyes ...
(only You can save)
Help me understand, (only You can save), that I'm Your hands and feet
hidden behind this frail human disguise.

I wanna love because You loved
I wanna give because You gave
I wanna reach my hand out to the lost
'Cause I know Your hand will save.

Only You can save.

~Chris Sligh~

#0021 - #0030 One Thousand Gifts

#0021 - how my BabyGirl (age 8) MUST have several hugs 'n kisses
before she heads off to school.
And how that look she gives me as she looks over her shoulder walking away,
blowing me yet another kiss, catches my breath. ♥♥♥
*sigh*

#0022 - medical tests revealing NO pre-cancerous activity
Woot Woot!

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live ... Return to your rest, my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."
*tears of joy*
~Psalm 116:1-2, 7~

#0023 - the anticipation of a summer concert with friends

#0024 - that first hug your blankets give you as you turn in for the night

#0025 - long hot showers

#0026 - spring-like temperatures in February

#0027 - relaxed lounge pants, oversized sweatshirts, and fuzzy socks once the spring-like temperatures in February POOF! disappear.
*pouty face*

#0028 - my BabyDoll (age 10) beaming with pride after learning a new song on her GEtair
(yes, I know, "guitar" :D )

#0029 - When God goes out of his way to make sure I "get it"
(sure beats being disciplined! LOL)

#0030 - the satisfaction of throwing things away

wonder-working power

Over the past several weeks, I have repeatedly stumbled across a series of scriptures found in Paul's letter to the Ephesians. It seemed like these scriptures were everywhere: in a book I was flipping through, on my local Christian radio station, within an online Joyce Meyer program, etc. Most recently, I heard these same scriptures at church. In fact, I remember leaning over to My Hubs and whispering, "These is that scripture again!" LOL Eventually I caught on and no longer saw it as a coincidence but rather a message ... You need to "get this". Really "get this".

Paul writes in Chapter 1:

¹⁶ I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. ¹⁷ I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. ¹⁸ I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, ¹⁹ and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ²⁰ he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, ²¹ far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

The Amplified Bible translation of verse 19 reads " ... [so that you can know and understand] what is the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His power in and for us who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength, ..."

Whooooa. Let's just let that settle a bit, shall we? There's a whole lot goin' on in those verses.

Basically, Paul explains that not only is he thankful for the church as he's lifting them up in prayer, but he also is praying that God would grant them (us) "a spirit of wisdom and revelation [of insight into mysteries and secrets] in the [deep and intimate] knowledge of Him." {Amplified Bible}. Paul doesn't petition that our physical seeing eyes be opened, but rather that the eyes of our heart would be enlightened or, as the Amplified Bible translates, "flooded with light." (Enlightened literally means "to shed light upon" as opposed to being confused or mystified.) We've sung the song in church many times: ♫"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord ... I want to see you."♫

Paul also wants us to understand the hope that God has called us to and how magnificent the inheritance is coming to those who believe. He stresses that not only is this the power extended to believers, but it is the very same power that rose Christ Jesus from the grave. This power, this INcomparable ... IMmeasurable ... UNlimited ... UNconfined ... UNending ... boundLESS power is FOR US. And FREE at that! Just as His love. ♥ Mind blowing! This powerful description alone should cover us in goosebumps and set us on fire for the Lord. I mean, we can do anything with that type of power!

But do we really believe this? Because if I am to be completely honest, as much as I try, I still struggle wrapping my brain around it. Maybe that is the point ... I can't comprehend the depth of this power Paul speaks of. But it doesn't make this supernatural power any less real, any less available, does it? Perhaps I have a difficult time feeling this power because of my insecurities. I tell my girls they were created for greatness, but do I believe I was? Does my life reflect a heart that believes she has the power of The Living God inside of her? Am I using this power to further His Kingdom? Sadly, not always. Why??? This power is available to me. It is not tucked away in some hidden place waiting to be discovered. I can't earn it. It was freely given to me they day I invited Christ into my heart.

I don't think I'm the only one that wrestles with completely accepting this gift. Would it be to bold of me to confess I don't believe The Church has taken ahold of this power with both hands either? Craig Groeschel writes in The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but Living as If He Doesn't Exist, "Imagine what's possible if we stop going to church and start being the church!" God chooses to display his power to the world through His people, His Chosen Ones. Therefore, it's not enough for me to go to church, sing a few songs, say a few prayers, study a few scriptures and return to my life as usual for the remaining week. I need to be the church. And the only way that is possible is if I use this supernatural power made readily available to me.

Friends, The Enemy will use whatever means necessary to keep us from fully realizing that God has empowered us! However, once we tap into that power, we will be unstoppable and the world will begin to transform before our very eyes. And boy, is hell gonna be ANGRY. ;o)

********

♫ "The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, lives in me.

Your love that rescued the earth, lives in me, lives in me. ♫


Sing it with me, my friends. And let's BELIEVE it. ♥

#0011 - #0020 One Thousand Gifts

#0011 - the ability to laugh with myself
(or is it AT myself?!)
What a gift! ^.^

#0012 - a blanket of sparkling undisturbed snow

#0013 - *sniffffffff* Ahhh ... that glorious "new book" smell

#0014 - the sound the pages make as I turn them

#0015 - sharing a sincere smile with a stranger

#0016 - giggling my way through a new workout with a friend :p

#0017 - taking that first deep inhalation of the crisp winter air in the morning
Even at a bitter -11 degrees, it's still divine

#0018 - God revealing himself to me in a new way

#0019 - my unruly dog, Bandit, howling every time the church bell rings
Perhaps he's making a joyful noise unto the Lord ... ???
(Unlikely. Naughty dog! LOL)

#0020 - how I can't listen to this song without sobbing uncontrollably ...
oh, how He loves us ... how He loves us all. ♥

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, were all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

~David Crowder Band~

I refuse ...

Last spring, a online friend of mine began posting various quotes from a book called Crazy Love. At the time, I wasn't much of a reader. Oh, I wanted to be, but rarely made time for it outside of Facebook status updates and blog rolls. I think I averaged a book or two a year, maybe three. Sad, but true.*weak smile*

But I found myself drawn to that little red book. In hindsight, I now understand it was the promoting of the Holy Spirit. I was a believer who had abandoned organized religion and was doing very little to make a difference in the world. As Ann Voskamp writes in One Thousand Gifts,

"If I'm ruthlessly honest, I may have said yes to God, yes to Christianity, but really, I have lived the no."

And that's what I was doing ... living the no. Exactly why is another entry entirely.

______________________________

Cut to one day at the bookstore and I'm picking up some chapter books for my girls and the title of the book my friend had urged me to read, promising it would "change my life", came to mind. Well, I was down for some of that change! :p So I bought it, took it home, and began reading it immediately. Boy, I had NO IDEA what I was in for, especially when I arrived at Chapter 4 "The Profile of the Lukewarm." Every page convicted me. No ... actually, every page greeted me with a spiritual slap in the face! But we all need that every now and then, don't we? ;o) I remember wondering just how many individuals thought who does this Francis Chan character think he is?! and decided they were done with that book right then and there! There were many times I myself had to put the book down and allow myself time to digest it, so every word could penetrate my heart.

Here I thought I was doing enough praying for those suffering and praying for folks to step up and help them. Nope! I sure wasn't! I think I knew that deep inside.

" ... I realized after a while that I was using my own prayers as a defense against having to do anything myself. I had forgotten that, as a follower of Christ, I'm called to be the hands and feet of Jesus. And had forgotten that God might want to use MY hands, and MY feet, and MY own resources to help those in need and to show God's glory and His love. And so the song ["I Refuse"] essentially says, "I can't do everything, but I refuse to do nothing."

- Josh Wilson -

______________________________

Was my friend ever right. Reading Crazy Love DID change my life. I walked away wanting to be a better Christ follower. I asked God to reveal to me ways I could make a difference in the world. And he did not hold back. See, I had bought into the lie that God only works through amazing individuals ... the Rev. Billy Graham's, Mother Teresa's, Joyce Meyer's, Beth Moore's, and missionaries of the world. Not people like ... me.

I had forgotten the story in Numbers 22 where God used a donkey to save Balaam. A donkey, of all things! Is it possible that God might want to use me too? A person with my past, a person who's made all the mistakes I've made??? Might he want to use all of us? Yes. It's true. 1 Corinthians 1:27 tells us God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, that he choose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. Wow. I think that pretty much covers ME.

______________________________

I want to encourage you not to be deceived into thinking that you need to have deep pockets to make an impact on the world. You truly don't. (Read The Widow's Offering in Mark12:41-44) A little can go a very long way. Shoot, A SMILE can change the world! ^.^

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.
- Edmund Burke -

God sees our hearts and our intentions. I don't believe he favors one who is able to give greatly over one who is only able to give a little. Not at all.

______________________________

At first, I wasn't sure where to start, but over the past several months God has open my eyes to many great causes and organizations. I even have a few things in the works that will allow me to give something even more precious than money ... my time. That is something that is important to me. I'm not comfortable with going into detail right now about what I am waiting to hear back on. But I will say one completely takes me out of my comfort zone and two others involve doing something that if asked to do a few years ago, I would have kindly replied, no! thank you very much!

So ... join me, won't cha? What are you waitin' for? :D

______________________________

I refuse ... to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help.
I refuse ... to turn my back and try and act like all is well.
I refuse ... to stay unchanged, to wait another day, to die to myself.
I refuse to make one more excuse.

‘Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care.
I don’t want to say another empty prayer.
Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself.
Oh, I could choose not to move, but I refuse.

- Josh Wilson -

Rebirth

Ordinarily, the first entry of a blog should be reserved to introduce oneself and purpose of entering, or in my case, re-entering the blogosphere.
(I've been a long time gone.)
However, fragmented thoughts are all I'm currently capable of since coming down with the flu yesterday afternoon, not well composed sentences expressing my uncertainty about my ability to keep this place up or my reservations about becoming vulnerable once again but taking the plunge anyhow.

Therefore, no better time than now to begin chronicling my one thousand gifts as inspired by the brilliant author, Ann Koskamp, author of the blog A Holy Experience and "One Thousand Gifts", a book that is speaking to me in ways only she could describe properly. Although, I will try.

#0001 - being warmly welcomed by a congregation of believers

#0002 - spreading creamy peanut butter over two pieces of warm toast and sharing it with my BabyGirl, who's not feeling so hot herself :o/

#0003 - little girls noses that crinkle when they laugh - truly laugh - and soaking it all in as time, simply, stands still

#0004 - discovering {new to me} scriptures

#0005 - the wonderful conversations that come when sharing an episode of "Little House On The Prairie" with my girls

#0006 - When God brings new friends into your life who inspire and challenge you to be your best self

#0007 - the sweet aroma of blueberry muffins filling my home

#0008 - undeniable signs from God ("Okay! Okay! I get the point!" LOL)

#0009 - the anticipation of beginning a new chapter in life

#0010 - cheesy predicable movies on The Hallmark Channel ;o)