Lord, free me up ...

I have to admit, getting back into the habit of blogging has been a challenge for me! Although I previously blogged consistently for over four years, I've been on a two year hiatus. The words just don't FLOW as easily as they once did ... and I refuse to believe it has anything to do with being two years older! REFUSE! *giggle* I'm only averaging 1 or 2 entries a week but I think that's plenty for now, wouldn't you agree? I wouldn't want anyone to grow sick of me too soon. ;o)

That being said, I've always consider myself to be an honest blogger. Aside from the occasional vent session *blush*, no, this blog will not be used to bash folks who have wronged me, as numerous as they are. (Opps, there I go! :x) Neither will I use it to air my dirty laundry or divulge my deepest darkest secrets. We must all maintain our mystery, right? *wink* But I will be REAL. And if history repeats itself, at times, raw.

If you're like me, you're not drawn to blogs that are all peaches, sunshine, 'n unicorns all the time. Although, I want to laugh and share in my fellow blogger's celebrations, I also want to be informed. More importantly, I also want them to share their heart with me. Even if that means revealing something somewhat personal.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, can I be honest with you? Are you ready for another confession?

I've spent a good hunk of my life praying a selfish prayer. As someone who's had her share of health issues over the years, I've been praying for healing ... but for all the wrong reasons.

I'd always been strong, both physically and mentally. However, several months after I turned 18, things began to change. Unresolved childhood issues and trauma combine with brand new overwhelming challenges (that I was ill-prepared for) allowed me to fall head first into a deep pit of depression and a struggle with bulimia. Although this time was actually the best time of my life thus far, what was happening behind close doors was destroying me from the inside out. Luckily, despite what I was living, I was strong enough to reach out for help. Sadly, I placed my trust in the hands of the wrong mental health professionals. By the time they were finished with me, my bout with "the blues" turned into a fight for my life. If you take anything away from this entry, let it be my plea not to blindly trust anyone who has a diploma on their wall. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find yourself a trustworthy Christian therapist or clergymen ... someone who truly wants to see you heal, as opposed to someone who benefits from keeping you sick.

Fortunately, this period of my life only lasted a few years. Not to sugar-coat those years at all ... things were bad. It was nothing short of God's hand that rescued me. In my mid-twenties, my husband and I started a family. Aside from one horrendous case of hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness) and swollen feet that made it difficult to even wear flip-flops, I had a good pregnancy. However, shortly after my beautiful daughter entered this world, I was hit with postpardum depression. Not the kind that you hear about in the news. No, I bonded wonderfully with my baby girl. *sigh* My problem was with myself and everyone else. But with Christian counseling and medication, I recovered well. However, several months after the birth of my second daughter, things grew very dark once again. Arguably darker. The fact that my relationship with my parents was crumbling didn't help me one bit. Once again, I reached out for help, received it, and healed. Words cannot convey how grateful I am, that through all of this, my relationship with my babies didn't suffer.

Not long after my second daughter was born, I received a diagnoses to help explain the physical pain I had endued for years. I had fibromyalgia. Chronic migraines would soon followed. At one point, I had a migraine every to every other day for three long excruciating years before pin pointing and discontinuing the cause. I've lived (and at time, suffered with) both ever since. Most recently, I have been plagued with bouts of vertigo. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. (I think I've revealed enough of my medical history ... LOL)

Most of my twenties, I lived a fairly isolated life because of my illnesses. I cried out to God more times than I can count, sometimes with fists shaking. Why wouldn't He heal me? Why??? Hadn't I suffered enough????

Cut to this past year, when my spiritual life began to shift. I was hit with the realization that I was praying for all the wrong reasons. I argued I did nothing to deserve this hand I had been dealt. I wanted God to heal me for my comfort. I wanted Him to relive my pain so I could live a better life.

Me, me, me, me, me. Me. It was all about me.

My prayer now is that, on those days I am under a flare or a migraine is splitting my head in two, He would give me the strength to withstand the pain. I pray that I might conduct myself gracefully, in a way that honors Him, despite my circumstances ... and mercy when I don't. And I pray my health conditions might place me in the path of individuals I might not otherwise come in contact with if I were perfectly healthy and that all this, all of this, may bring honor and glory to Him who is most deserving.

Most recently through prayer, I have requested that He might "free me up". What frustrates me most is not the discomfort my medical issues bring me, but the fact that I feel like they are holding me back. I want to be freed up. Freed up so I can serve Him better ... freed up to reach out to the lost and the broken ... freed up to offer hope and encouragement.

Years ago, I remember reading an article on Rev. Billy Graham. When asked what he hopes to hear after he takes his last breath on this earth and his first in eternal life, he reply, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

That is now my prayer. That I might lead a life that merits the honor of hearing such a compliment. Well done, my love, thy "good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ (Matthew 25:23)

But how might I do that best with my given limitations? Such has been on my heart and mind constantly over the past year. My life can be so unpredictable and not in a positive way. Although my spiritual gifts reveal that I am 100% a Giver, followed by merciful, I am not simply content with throwing money at various causes. (Not IN NO WAY to diminish the donation of funds to reputable organizations. The need is overwhelming. It's important. And I encourage you to do so any time you're able.) So how can God use me where I'm at? This has been my journey over the past year and particularity over the past several months. Although I may not be a candidate nor have felt called to overseas mission fields, doesn't God call ALL of us believers into ministry? (Matthew 28:19-20) Service in our communities, workplaces, neighborhood, etc. are equally as important.

I am thrilled to say God has revealed several different ways for me to serve. Some of them aren't anything I would've come up with on my own. But all, I'm sure, will inspire many blog entries to come. :D

______________________________

Just let me be Your hands ...
(only You can save)
Let me be Your eyes ...
(only You can save)
Help me understand, (only You can save), that I'm Your hands and feet
hidden behind this frail human disguise.

I wanna love because You loved
I wanna give because You gave
I wanna reach my hand out to the lost
'Cause I know Your hand will save.

Only You can save.

~Chris Sligh~